This past weekend, I had the pleasure of attending another wilderness retreat hosted by a dear friend in the Cairngorms.
Every retreat, I meet new and fascinating people who are on their own harrowing path. Most are struggling through a hardship, or at least have been through a traumatic event (even chronic). During this retreat, a woman shared about how she’d grown up in a rough household, had endured violence, and was now navigating a devastating health condition. Before her health had taken a dive, she’d been the life of her friendship group – the giver, the joy. She would create events, attend every occasion. But now, having to slow down, take time off of work, and still care for her son as a single parent, she hasn’t been able to be that extroverted friend. Because of this, there is a void. Because of this, she isn’t able to interact in the ways her friends see (and know) as enjoyable. And when she finally had the courage to reach out and ask for help and for them to come see her, she was met with silence.
It astonished me. However, it shouldn’t have.
I have experienced both sides of the coin – friendships that went above and beyond, and friendships that reminded me of their place.
I’ll never forget the time my friend, Crystal, left money on my doorstep in the pouring rain when I first began going through Topical Steroid Withdrawal. I’ll never forget the generosity of friends like Carla and Ana who came to my home after my hip surgery and ensured my carpet was vacuumed, my bedsheets were changed, and me fridge was full (and even shaved my leg!). And I’ll never forget every time my friend Sara picked up the phone during my separation just so I could vent the same tears over and over. These friendships weren’t just for the fun times, but for life.
I truly hope people grasp that there are going to come times where life is going to pull the rug out from under you. It may come hard and fast, without any invite or knock at the door. During these times, support will always be needed. However, sometimes our circle, the ones we party with, plan activities with, and generally enjoy life with, may not understand or recognize the immense role they will play in your restoration journey.
They are first in line to see what event you planned or how much they’ll get to laugh with you out at a dinner party, but they may be absent when you continually turn down invitations or, even worse, are silent when you ask for some help. These are the times when friendship matters most.
Coming alongside people, practically, is a privilege, not just when an outside activity is created when things are going right, but accepting friendship and connection AS the activity. Whether a friend has just lost their job, their health, their home, their loved one, their relationship, or anything in between, sit with them. Share space with them. Be an ear. Cook a meal. Do their groceries for a week. Clean their home. Pay for Netflix for a month. Brainstorm with them.
The world needs more genuine connection and generosity of spirit. So whether it’s a conversation at a bar or a conversation as you’re sweeping their floor, it’s the friendship, not the environment, at focus.
Remember: if you have a friend in need, be there. If you’re the one in need, you deserve every ounce of help because who you are to your tribe is not defined by what you lost. I have learned more about character in loss than I have in pleasure. Treasure those who see you in both.
x Bri
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